My Own Private India. No. Really!

This is a response to an unwittingly crafted so called 'humor' column in Time magazine, published on July 5, 2010, by Joel Stein.

At the face value, this column came across as genuinely funny.

But then I did some research on Mr. Stein to understand where he was coming from. And boy am I not glad I did that!

Born into a Jewish family in Edison, NJ, he went to Stanford, worked briefly for Martha Stewart, got hired by Time magazine as a staff writer, honeymooned on a luxury island (not that it matters), taught humor writing at Princeton, and is now a full time columnist for the Time magazine.

Further, his writings have always been off-beat, sarcastic, slightly dark, but mostly caricature-like. Example: the way he wittily came up with an article on the Amish in the 'What's next' series was fabulous!  Or even how he pulled hair off his own employer (Time)'s legs about how they rank the top 100 most effective people in their fields of work, and started his own Joel 100(TM) list was unmatched:-) Hell... he had even (sarcastically) praised George W. Bush II for reducing his taxes in this article!

So what do you expect from a writer who could not digest the fact that his home town had actually become home to countless geniuses (engineers, inventors, doctors, merchants) who were actually smarter than  the  merchant families that he grew up with, so smart as to build the whole town slowly with their hard work and wit? That frustration had to come out somehow? And it did. In the questionable article.

To be fair, Jewericans (as in Guindians, refer to Joel's original article here) have been known in history to be aggressive about creating huge businesses, by hook, or by crook. In fact I sense helplessness in Stein's statement where he coins the term 'not so genius merchants'. If they were not so genius, how the hell does Edison, NJ now have 25% of its population with Indian heritage? And if you wanted to keep the town 'the way it was when you grew up', why did you not do something about it?

Please face the change, and admit it like a man. Don't just eek it out in a 'humor column'.

Now if you still want to change the dynamics of 'legal' immigration and assimilation and cultural fusion, just because your hometown isn't what you saw when you were a kid, may I recommend being a little more welcoming to legal immigrants who already have it hard on them (perhaps just the way your parents may have?).

I have resisted sharing this here until now (and I really do not like to talk about it either), but here it goes. Right outside Princeton university campus, a few years ago, an empty liquor bottle came flying and crashed next to me on the sidewalk. When I looked back, it was an open Jeep Wrangler with a few seemingly teenagers, screaming and telling me to go back where I came from.

I was on a research project in a very competitive field, and got accepted from among hundreds of applicants. I had no clue why someone could hate me so much. I still do not know. But I did not make a big deal out of it. I did not write a hate blog right then and there. Rather I went back to my project, finished it, earned a U.S. research degree, worked very very hard (legally) and made a professional career out of it. I wonder what any of those kids are doing these days. Perhaps writing humor columns for Time?

First try explaining that, then let us talk about whether Mr. Stein's article has humor in it or not.


Disclaimer. The author of this blog, Prashant Chopra, apologizes if this column hurts Joel Stein's feelings. It is a humor column and is in no way intended to hurt anyone, let alone any specific community of people.

P.S. If you would like to let Time magazine's team or Mr. Stein know about your concerns about his article, please click here, and send them a message. Remember: always assert when you see unfair behavior.

P.P.S. Here is another great rebuttal on cnn.com by a well read physician of Indian origin, if you are interested. Thanks to Shwetal for sharing!

P.P.P.S. Since many people raised concern about such a string rebuttal, I am trying to justify my thoughts here:


The first time I read Mr. Stein's column, I wanted it to be funny, and it got pretty close with references to the not-so-genius merchant cousins, the Guindian kids, the dot-heads, etc, etc.

Half way through the text, I thought it is getting dark now, and boy there is some fun ahead, as I love dark humor!

And then it was over. And I am thinking to myself: was it a sarcastic admission to the defeat of local community at the hands of legal immigrants? Or does it root somewhere deeper? I asked a non-Indian friend to read it, and although he didn't find it offensive, he didn't find it funny either.

That forced me to do some research on Mr. Stein's writing and his life. Perhaps that's his style and I just didn't get it? The more I read about him and his previous articles, the more I found him to be a strongly egotistical comic (and he even admitted to this in one article) who wrote bashingly (yet smilingly) about the Amish, the Time's 100 most effective people list, the economy, G. W. Bush II, and his love for classic Rock.

Fine. I have no issues with humor, satire, or sarcasm in general. But knowing what I know about him now, all these strong stereotypes must represent something somewhere.  I cannot help but shiver at the thought of kids still growing up, going to school with immigrant (Indian, Chinese, Spanish ...) kids, coming back home with questions, and finding these stereotypes in the answers their parents give them.

More than the hint of racism (which I found to be there, minimally, but not strongly), I am more concerned about what the 2nd or 3rd generation non-Indian or non-Chinese parents are teaching their kids about resilience, patience, assimilation, and cultural fusion.

Sigh!

P.P.P.P.S.

[1] Why does Joel find it so hard to understand the dynamics of legal immigration? In his own words "I was shocked that I could feel a tiny bit uncomfortable with my changing town when I went to visit it.". Why was he shocked? Isn't response to change bi-lateral? So the ones assimilating are supposed to understand that there will be resistance to change. But the ones accepting the change will not?

[2] References to phrases like "India is so damn poor", "whose gods have multiple arms and an elephant nose", "not so sure about the genius thing" are directly offensive and are in no way humorous. You talk about the freedom of speech. But do you also have the resilience to take similar insults back, at its face value? Indian 'culture' teaches you to be patient, non-violent, and respect for elders and family (yes there are exceptions, but in general that is the case). American style of life and culture is more open to criticism, and open discussions. That is a very big gap right there. And change (read assimilation) bridges that gap. But the change has to be from both sides.

[3] The geniuses did not move to Edison on their will and certainly not before immigration rules were relaxed to attract foreign born talent. They started moving to U.S. on invitation. Even today, how many legal Indian/other immigrants do you think can stay in the U.S. just because of the lifestyle? They stay because there are employers and opportunities that recognize their talent and skills that are really scarce in the 'native' population. So no, the exits didn't start running all of a sudden to Mumbai. Rather, a red carpet was thrown all the way to Mumbai, and Delhi, and Calcutta, and Chennai/Madras, and Beijing, and Tokyo, and London, and Moscow, and many other cities, to get the 'best' of Indian/foreign talent on board without which most of the advanced R&D would be happening overseas and U.S. importing it. And I am not talking about writing simple computer programs. I am talking about robots that guide rockets, perform surgeries, physicians that are humane to patients, and merchants that create jobs and pay taxes and bring prosperity to the whole nation.

P.P.P.P.P.S. There are two ways you can react to a culture that is different from where you grew up:

[1] You take your time. You understand the differences. You learn about the other culture. You show them what you bring to the table. You pick the best of both, they do the same to some extent, and you slowly assimilate.

[2] You come in, you are insecure because more than you are proud of the good things about how you grew up, you immediately notice the 'negative' points and are readily ashamed of it. Not knowing how to keep up your heritage AND be a respected citizen of the world AND a worthy multi-cultural American, you kneel down, and say "I leave everything that I grew up on, please accept me". And that moment onwards, you uncomfortably do what it means to be 'American', and write it all out here to assure yourself that you did the right thing.


P.P.P.P.P.P.S. This is what an author wrote on CNN: "bottom line is there is no racism - only economic fairness. Come to our country and assimilate - become an American and raise your family here - bring your extended family here - live a great life - I am 100% behind that American Dream. I am against using our country so you can have a 47:1 currency conversion to rupies and live like a king back in the slum that is India. "


And this was my response: "I think you have a hard shell of a brain. Did you not read a single line of what I wrote? You contradict yourself when you say 'come live here the America dream' and at the same time you say 'oh make immigration difficult, there guys are taking our jobs, changing our towns'.

Would you be ok with immigrating the whole immediate family if just one of them is valuable to US economy as a technical/economical resource? Let me guess your answer: NO.

Would you be ok with guaranteeing a no hassle immigration to deserving hard working legal immigrants at fair pays, so they wont have to worry about taking their bags and go back because of administrative delays and take their savings with them? Let me guess your answer: NO.

Take your head out of the beer pot that you seem to portray you have, and be rational. It is easy to talk the talk. It is hard to try to know the reality on the other side and not base your impressions on a hollywood blockbuster that showed slums in glory.

I can tell I am glad I never got to work with you. You may not be racist, but you are so misinformed and narrow minded my head would explode just talking with you.Have a happy dreamy colorful American life! "

[Jokes] The World's Best Jokes 2010

WINNER - SWEDEN
Visiting the countryside on a hunting trip, the well-dressed man from Stockholm takes aim and shoots a duck. But the fowl drops into a farmer's field, and the farmer claims it. Since both want it, the farmer suggests settling the dispute with an old fashioned hick-kick. "I kick you as hard as I can in the crotch, then you do the same to me," he explains. "Whoever screams the least gets the bird."
The city man agrees. So the farmer winds up and delivers a crushing blow to the man's privates, and he collapses to the ground. Twenty minutes later, when he finally manages to stand, he gasps, "My turn."
"Nah," says the farmer, turning away. "You can keep the duck."


RUNNERS UP
ARGENTINIA
An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries. A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal. "It's all right," says the husband. "We share everything."
A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite. "I really wouldn't mind buying your wife her own meal," he insists. "She'll eat," the husband assures him. "We share everything."
Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, "Why aren't you eating?"
The wife snaps, "Because I'm waiting for the teeth!"

AUSTRALIA
A polar bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a scotch and … Coke."
"Why the long pause?" asks the bartender.
"I don't know," says the bear. "I've always had them."

BRAZIL
Tired of waiting in the back of the line to get on Noah's Ark, a flea jumps from one animal to another as she moves closer to the front. She leaps and leaps until she lands on the back of an elephant. The pachyderm turns to its mate and says testily, "I knew it! Here they go with the pushing and shoving!"

CANADA
A man says to a friend, "My wife is on a three-week diet."
"Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?"
"Two weeks."

CHINA
My cousin always "borrows" money from her older brother's piggy bank, which drives him crazy. One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the refrigerator. Inside was this note: "Dear sister, I hope you'll understand, but my capital has been frozen."

CROATIA
A concerned police officer approaches a boy crying in front of a newsstand.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"Superman isn't out yet!"
"I'll handle it," the cop assures him. "Hey, Superman!" he shouts. "Come on out! We won't hurt you!"

CZECH REPUBLIC
A man calls a radio deejay and says, "I've found a wallet with a hundred thousand koruny inside. There's also a card that says ‘Jan Ziegler, Seifert Street 3, Prague.' " "So?" says the deejay. "What do you want us to do?"
"Would you be so kind as to play the man a song?"

FINLAND
Hannu wants everything to be perfect for his anniversary trip to the hotel where he and his wife honeymooned 30 years earlier. So he gets there a day early to make all the arrangements. That night, he e-mails her but misspells the address and it goes to a recent widow. The next day, the widow's son finds his mother passed out in front of her computer. On the screen is this e-mail: "My darling wife, I've just gotten here and everything's set for your arrival tomorrow. I hope your trip down here will be as pleasant as mine. "P.S. It's really hot!"

FRANCE
President Sarkozy visits a steel factory. To the boss's surprise, the president greets an employee, Morton, with a warm hug. The same thing happens when Barack Obama visits, and again during Vladimir Putin's tour. Unimpressed, the boss says to Morton, "I bet you don't know the pope."
Morton shrugs. "We play golf together."
The gauntlet has been tossed, and the boss pays their way to the Vatican. During the Benediction, Morton slips away. Sure enough, he reappears—side by side with the pope. Two Chinese tourists tap the boss on the shoulder and ask, "Who's the guy in white standing with Morton?"

GERMANY
Wandering around a fairgrounds, a man enters a fortune-teller's tent for a laugh. "I see you're the father of two," says the seer, gazing into her crystal ball. "Ha! That's what you think," says the man scornfully. "I'm the father of three."
"Ha!" says the fortune-teller. "That's what you think."

HUNGARY
Doctor: Have you taken my advice and slept with the window open?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: So your asthma disappeared completely?
Patient: No, but my watch, TV, iPod, and laptop have.

INDIA
A business executive visits his dear Chinese friend in the hospital. "Li kai yang qi guan," says the sick man feebly. The executive desperately wants to help him, but he doesn't speak Mandarin. "Li kai yang qi guan!" says the patient, as he draws his last breath. Later that year, the executive is in Shanghai on business when he finally learns the meaning of Li kai yang qi guan: "Get off my oxygen tube."

KOREA
A fortune-teller advised me, "Do everything your boss says." Sage advice, I thought, as I was working on an important project. As if I needed more proof of just how good the psychic was, that night, as I read the newspaper, I noticed my horoscope: "Do everything your boss says."

MEXICO
Indians ask their new chief whether the winter will be cold or mild. Since the young chief never learned the ways of his ancestors, he tells them to collect firewood, then he goes off and calls the National Weather Service. "Will the winter be bad?" he asks.
"Looks like it," is the answer.
So the chief tells his people to gather more firewood. A week later, he calls again. "Are you positive the winter will be very cold?" "Absolutely."
The chief tells his people to gather even more firewood, then calls the Weather Service again: "Are you sure?" "I'm telling you, it's going to be the coldest winter on record."
"How do you know?"
"Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"

NETHERLANDS
A starlet is seated next to a lawyer on a long flight. She craves her sleep, but he keeps waking her up. "Let's play a trivia game," he suggests. "If I answer wrong, I'll pay you $50. If you answer wrong, you owe me $5." The starlet agrees, and the lawyer goes first. "What's the distance between the earth and the moon?"
The starlet hands the lawyer $5. Now it's her turn. "What goes up a mountain on three legs and comes down on four?"
The lawyer is dumbstruck. He scans the Internet, flips through his pocket encyclopedia, and texts every scientist he can find. No dice. Hours later, he wakes up the starlet, hands her $50, and asks, "So what's the answer?" Without a word, she hands him $5 and goes back to sleep.

NORWAY
A woman rubs a lamp and out pops a genie. "You're a kind lady, so I'll grant you one wish," the genie tells her.
"See this cat? I'd rather have a strong, handsome man," she says.
The genie agrees and—poof!—the cat turns into a Brad Pitt clone. The woman leaps into his lap.
"Do you have anything to say before we make love?" she asks.
"Yes," he says. "I bet you wish you hadn't had me neutered last week."

PHILIPPINES
Joe, Mike, Mary, and Tom were talking about their dream jobs. "I want to be a lawyer," Joe began, "so that I can defend my countrymen."
"I want to be a congressman," said Mike, "so I can draft laws to benefit my countrymen."
"I want to be a doctor," said Mary, "so that I can cure my countrymen."
"How about you, Tom? What would you like to be?" asked Joe.
Tom thought a moment and replied, "I'd like to be a countryman."

POLAND
Nearing the end, Stanislaw is surrounded by loved ones. As the final moment approaches, he gathers all his strength and whispers, "I must tell you my greatest secret." His family urges him to go on.
"Before I got married, I had it all," Stanislaw explains. "Fast cars, cute girls, and plenty of money. But a good friend warned me, ‘Get married and start a family. Otherwise, no one will be there to give you a glass of water to drink when you're on your deathbed.' So I took his advice. I traded the girls for a wife, beer for baby food. I sold my Ferrari and invested in college funds. And now here we are. And you know what?"
"What?"
"I'm not even thirsty!"

PORTUGAL
A man is visiting an old friend when a little girl races through the room.
"Diploma," the friend calls after her, "bring us two cups of coffee."
"Diploma? What an odd name," says the visitor. "How did she get it?"
The friend sighs. "I sent my daughter to study at the university in Lisbon, and that's what she came back with."

ROMANIA
Vlad gets pulled over after a high-speed car chase. "I'm going to help you out," says the police officer. "Give me a good excuse and I won't write you a ticket." "Three weeks ago, my wife left me for a cop," Vlad explains. "So when I saw your car coming, I thought you were trying to bring her back."

RUSSIA
Due to the recession, to save on energy costs, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off.
—God

SERBIA
A neighbor finds a young boy sitting on the stairs crying. "What's the matter, honey?" she asks him. "It's my father," the boy sobs. "He hit his finger with a hammer."
"Then why are you crying?"
"Because first I laughed!"

SLOVENIA
As they leave the courthouse, a lawyer turns to his grim-looking client and says, "Janez, what's wrong? You were acquitted." "I know, but now I'm really in trouble," says Janez. "I just rented out my apartment for three years."

SPAIN
A beggar approaches a grandmother at the beach with his hands out. "Please, señora," the poor man pleads, "I haven't eaten all day." "Good," says the grandmother. "Now you won't have to worry about cramps when you go for a swim."

SWITZERLAND
Wife: Honey, did you notice? I bought a new toilet brush.
Husband: Yes, I did. But I still prefer the paper.

TAIWAN
Papa Turtle is telling his son a bedtime story. "Once upon a time, there was a white bunny."
"Aw, c'mon, Dad," says the boy. "That's kid stuff. What about some science fiction?"
"All right. Once upon a time, there was a bunny in outer space …"
"Dad! Make it more grown-up."
"Okay, okay. Promise you won't tell Mom."
"I swear."
"Once upon a time, there was a naked bunny …"

THAILAND
"Hurry up or we'll be late!" shouts a teacher to her kindergarten class.
"What's the rush?" a tot asks coolly.
"If we're late, we'll miss your next class!" the teacher reminds him.
The kid shrugs. "If you're in such a hurry, go on without us."

UNITED KINGDOM
"About a month before he died, my grandmother covered my grandfather's back with lard. After that, he went downhill very quickly."
--Comic Milton Jones

UNITED STATES
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion." "I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God's Holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him." They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision." --Submitted by Mitchell Hauser

[Jokes] The Best Jokes [102]

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!"
The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
_______________________________

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
_________________________________

I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering his courage, he approached her and asked, "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't come over to your place tonight!"

With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back to our table, puzzled and humiliated. A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and apologized.

"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you," she said, "but I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying human reaction to embarrassing situations."

At the top of his lungs Justin responded, "What do you mean, two hundred dollars?"
_______________________________

Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. "Hello," Bush said. "Nice weather we're having, huh?" Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction.

The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away.

Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong.

Moses said, "The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert."
_______________________________

Hard to believe, but many of our customers at the bank still don't know how to swipe their card through the ATM card reader. Because of this, my fellow tellers and I often find ourselves having to explain how it's done. One teller complained that she kept getting odd looks every time she explained it. I found out why when I overheard her tell one man, "Strip down facing me."
_______________________________

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
_______________________________

[Jokes] The Best Jokes [101]

Hence begins the collection of my favorite jokes...

_______________________________

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
_______________________________

A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.

The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”
_______________________________

Hilary Clinton, G W Bush, a boy and a monk are stuck on a crashing plane with only 3 parachutes. Hilary says "I'm a woman, you cant leave me here to die", takes one, and jumps. Bush says "I'm the smartest in the world, I gotta live", takes one, jumps. The monk says "Boy, take the last parachute, and jump". The boy says "No, we can both jump." "Howz that?" said the monk. "Because the smartest man jumped out with my school bag."
_______________________________

A priest is walking down the street when he notices a tiny boy trying to press a doorbell across the street. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over rings the doorbell loud. Then he smiles and asks the boy, "And now what, my little man?" "Now we run!!!!"
_______________________________

A monkey goes into a bar and asks the barman: - Do you have any bananas? - No,I don't. ( says the barman) - Do you have any bananas? (asks the monkey) - No, I have not got any bananas!!! - Do you have any bananas? - If you ask me that question one more time, I'll nail your tongue to the counter!!! - Do you have any nails? - No,I don't. - Do you have any bananas?
_______________________________

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
_______________________________

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."
_______________________________

Will was trying to to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put a worm in a glass of water & another in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up & d*ed.
"All right, son," Said Will, "what does that show you?"
"Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms."

_______________________________

Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
_______________________________

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
_______________________________

Cheney: "Watch it! Your thumb is in my soup!"
Bush: Don`t worry, Dick, it's not that hot.
_______________________________

Beware of Dogs!
Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, "Danger! Beware of Dog" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that`s him," he replied.
The stranger couldn`t help but be amused. "That certainly doesn`t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
_______________________________

SARDAR:- Yar iska matlab kya hota hai, "I AM GOING"?
FRIEND:- Main jaa raha hun.
SARDAR:- Saaley, aise kaise jayega, 20 aur bhi aise ja chuke hain....answer bata ke jaa..
_______________________________

SardarJi: Ghar mai Mera he Hukam chalta hai.
Mai Kehta hon, Garam paani le aao, woh le aati hai,
Dost: Garam pani Q?
Sardar: Garam pani se Bartan Achay Dhultay hain.
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Sardar k 12 bachon mein 1 alag dikhta tha:
Jab uski biwi marnay wali thi to Sardar ne poocha: Ab to bata do ye kis ka hai?
Sardarni: Sartaj, sirf yehi aapka hai.
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Sardar: Mery dada ny 1857 ke jang main dushman ki tangain kaat di thin.
Dost: Gardanien q nai katin?
Sardar: Wo pehly he kati hui thin...
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Sardar ki wife inspecter se!
Mera husband ek hafte pehle aaloo lene gaya tha abhi tak wapis nahi aaye
Inspector bhi sardar tha bola:- to behan kuch or paka lo:
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One train which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks
suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby
and then came back on the tracks.
The passengers were horrified. On the next Railway station the
driver was caught : He was found to be a Sardar .
He was questioned . He explained that there
was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving
from there even after lots of honks etc .
Then authorities questioned : Sardarji are you mad! just to
save life of one person you put life of so many passengers
under danger.You should have overran that person .
Sardar said : Exactly, that is what i also decided, but this idiot
started running towards the field when the train came very close.
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A sardar had arrived early at the stadium for the first cricket game
of the series between local rival teams only to realize that he had
left his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning,
he went to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another
seat.After an hour's wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a
voice called out, "Hey, Balbir!"
He looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner of the
voice-with no success.Then he realized he had lost his place in the
line, and had to go back to the end of the line and wait all over
again.After he had purchased his ticket, he was thirsty, so he went to
buy a coke. The line at the concession stand was also very long. But
since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as he got to
the window, a voice called out"Hey, Balbir!"
Again He tried to find the voice and got out of line as he wandered
looking for the owner of the voice. But no luck.
He was very upset as he got back in line for his coke.Finally he had
his coke and took his seat eager for the game to begin. As he waited
for the first pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey, Balbir!" once
more.
Furious, He stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs,"My name isn't
Balbir!"
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How Does a Sardar Cheat the Railways?? He buys the ticket but doesn't travel !!!!!!!!
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Two Sardarjis, both student of I.I.T, Kanpur, were talking about the American Astronauts.
One said to the other, "What's the big deal about going to the moon-anybody can go to the moon. We are sardars we will go direct to the sun."
"But if we get within 13 million miles from the sun, we'll melt."
And the first answered, "So what, we'll go at night."
Santa Singh sent his bio data to America to apply for a post in Microsoft. A few days later he got this reply:- Dear Mr. Singh, You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further correspondence. No phone call shall be entertained. Thanks
Santa singh jumped with joy on receiving this reply. He arranged a party and when all the guests had come, he said Bhaiyon aur Behno,aap ko jaan kar khushi hogee ki mujhay america mein naukri mil gayee hai." Everyone was delighted. Santa singh continued Ab main aap sab ko apnaa appointment letter padkar sunaongaa par letter english main hai isliyen saath-saath hindi main translate bhee kartaa jaongaa.
Dear Mr. Singh-----pyare singh sahab
You do not meet----aap to miltay hee naheen ho
our requirement----humko to zaroorat hai
Please do not send any furthur correspondance----ab letter vetter bhejnay kee zaroorat nahee hai.
No phone call ----phone vone kee bhee zaroorat nahee hai
shall be entertained----bahut khaatir kee jayegi.
Thanks----aapkaa bahut bahut shukriya
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A sardarji comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard Iqbal stops him and says, 'What's in the bags?' 'Sand,' answered the Sardarji.
Iqbal says, 'We'll just see about that. Get off the bike.'
Iqbal's guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the sardarji all night and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Iqbal releases the sardaji, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the sardarji's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. Iqbal asks, 'What have you got?' 'Sand,' says the Sardarji.
Iqbal does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the Sardar, and crosses the border on his bike. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.
Finally, the Sardarji doesn't show up one day and the guard, Iqbal, meets him in a 'Dhaba' in Islamabad.
'Hey, Buddy,' says Iqbal, 'I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?'
The Sardaji, sips his Lassi and says, 'Bikes'
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Urine Test

Two sardarjis were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like anything.
So the other asked, "Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, "I came here for blood test"
Second one asked, "So? Are you afraid?"
First one replied, "No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger"
Hearing this the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked other, "Why are you crying?"
The other replied, "I have come for my urine test."
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Sardar in a bar
A Sardar walks into a bar, orders three pints of "Desi Daru"and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one inturn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Sardar replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Dubai, and I'm here in Punjab. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Sardar becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Sardar looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
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A dipper and a gora are sitting beside each other on a plane.
It was a long flight to India so the gora said:"Let's play a game."
The dipper said sure. The gora said let's play I spy. The dipper said sure.
The gora started. He said I spy with my little eye something black.
The dipper said suitcase? He was right.
Then he said I spy with my little eye something that starts with the letter B.
The gora looked hard for about ten minutes. Then finally he gave up .He said what was it.
The dipper said look stupid gora "bindow"!
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A sardar went to Wellington, New Zealand. One evening he thought of going to a bar. He went and sat in chair, unaware of anything around. Soon, a man on his right said stood up and said, "Johny Walker Single?.
After few minutes another man sitting his left side stood up and said, ?Peter Scotch Single?.
Suddenly the Sardar said, ?Sukhwinder Singh Married?
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Buffalo par baithe ek Sardar ko Traffic Police ne roka aur puncha, “aapka helmet kahan hai?” Fine lagega.
Sardar replied, “baawle dhyaan se dekh neche!” “4 wheelar hai.”
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Zail Singh decided to write the MBA exam. He could understand every thing except for the LOGIC part. One day when he was reading, Rajiv came home.
Two men talking
Rajiv : How is your MBA preparation?
Zail Singh : Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.
Rajiv : Logic is very easy.
Zailsingh : Can you give me an example, so that I can understand.
Rajiv : OK. Do you have fish pot in your house?
Zail : YES.
Rajiv: Logically, there will be water in it.
Zail : YES.
Rajiv : Logically, there will be fish in it.
Zail : YES.
Rajiv : Logically, someone will be feeding the fish.
Zail : YES.
Rajiv : I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.
Zail : YES.
Rajiv : so, logically, your are married.
Zail : YES.
Rajiv : So, that means U are a heterosexual.
Zail Singh was very glad and he understood logic. Next day he sees Buta Singh and he was also preparing for MBA.
Zail : How is your MBA preparation?
Buta : Everything is fine except for the logic.
Zail : Oh, logic is easy.
Buta : Please, give me an example.
Zail : Do you have a fish pot in your house?
Buta : NO, I don’t.
Zail : Saala HOMO!!!
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