Saturday, April 10, 2010

[Jokes] The Best Jokes [101]

Hence begins the collection of my favorite jokes...

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An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
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A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.

The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”
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Hilary Clinton, G W Bush, a boy and a monk are stuck on a crashing plane with only 3 parachutes. Hilary says "I'm a woman, you cant leave me here to die", takes one, and jumps. Bush says "I'm the smartest in the world, I gotta live", takes one, jumps. The monk says "Boy, take the last parachute, and jump". The boy says "No, we can both jump." "Howz that?" said the monk. "Because the smartest man jumped out with my school bag."
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A priest is walking down the street when he notices a tiny boy trying to press a doorbell across the street. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over rings the doorbell loud. Then he smiles and asks the boy, "And now what, my little man?" "Now we run!!!!"
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A monkey goes into a bar and asks the barman: - Do you have any bananas? - No,I don't. ( says the barman) - Do you have any bananas? (asks the monkey) - No, I have not got any bananas!!! - Do you have any bananas? - If you ask me that question one more time, I'll nail your tongue to the counter!!! - Do you have any nails? - No,I don't. - Do you have any bananas?
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I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."
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Will was trying to to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put a worm in a glass of water & another in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up & d*ed.
"All right, son," Said Will, "what does that show you?"
"Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms."

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Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
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A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
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Cheney: "Watch it! Your thumb is in my soup!"
Bush: Don`t worry, Dick, it's not that hot.
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Beware of Dogs!
Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, "Danger! Beware of Dog" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that`s him," he replied.
The stranger couldn`t help but be amused. "That certainly doesn`t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
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SARDAR:- Yar iska matlab kya hota hai, "I AM GOING"?
FRIEND:- Main jaa raha hun.
SARDAR:- Saaley, aise kaise jayega, 20 aur bhi aise ja chuke hain....answer bata ke jaa..
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SardarJi: Ghar mai Mera he Hukam chalta hai.
Mai Kehta hon, Garam paani le aao, woh le aati hai,
Dost: Garam pani Q?
Sardar: Garam pani se Bartan Achay Dhultay hain.
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Sardar k 12 bachon mein 1 alag dikhta tha:
Jab uski biwi marnay wali thi to Sardar ne poocha: Ab to bata do ye kis ka hai?
Sardarni: Sartaj, sirf yehi aapka hai.
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Sardar: Mery dada ny 1857 ke jang main dushman ki tangain kaat di thin.
Dost: Gardanien q nai katin?
Sardar: Wo pehly he kati hui thin...
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Sardar ki wife inspecter se!
Mera husband ek hafte pehle aaloo lene gaya tha abhi tak wapis nahi aaye
Inspector bhi sardar tha bola:- to behan kuch or paka lo:
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One train which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks
suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby
and then came back on the tracks.
The passengers were horrified. On the next Railway station the
driver was caught : He was found to be a Sardar .
He was questioned . He explained that there
was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving
from there even after lots of honks etc .
Then authorities questioned : Sardarji are you mad! just to
save life of one person you put life of so many passengers
under danger.You should have overran that person .
Sardar said : Exactly, that is what i also decided, but this idiot
started running towards the field when the train came very close.
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A sardar had arrived early at the stadium for the first cricket game
of the series between local rival teams only to realize that he had
left his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning,
he went to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another
seat.After an hour's wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a
voice called out, "Hey, Balbir!"
He looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner of the
voice-with no success.Then he realized he had lost his place in the
line, and had to go back to the end of the line and wait all over
again.After he had purchased his ticket, he was thirsty, so he went to
buy a coke. The line at the concession stand was also very long. But
since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as he got to
the window, a voice called out"Hey, Balbir!"
Again He tried to find the voice and got out of line as he wandered
looking for the owner of the voice. But no luck.
He was very upset as he got back in line for his coke.Finally he had
his coke and took his seat eager for the game to begin. As he waited
for the first pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey, Balbir!" once
more.
Furious, He stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs,"My name isn't
Balbir!"
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How Does a Sardar Cheat the Railways?? He buys the ticket but doesn't travel !!!!!!!!
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Two Sardarjis, both student of I.I.T, Kanpur, were talking about the American Astronauts.
One said to the other, "What's the big deal about going to the moon-anybody can go to the moon. We are sardars we will go direct to the sun."
"But if we get within 13 million miles from the sun, we'll melt."
And the first answered, "So what, we'll go at night."
Santa Singh sent his bio data to America to apply for a post in Microsoft. A few days later he got this reply:- Dear Mr. Singh, You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further correspondence. No phone call shall be entertained. Thanks
Santa singh jumped with joy on receiving this reply. He arranged a party and when all the guests had come, he said Bhaiyon aur Behno,aap ko jaan kar khushi hogee ki mujhay america mein naukri mil gayee hai." Everyone was delighted. Santa singh continued Ab main aap sab ko apnaa appointment letter padkar sunaongaa par letter english main hai isliyen saath-saath hindi main translate bhee kartaa jaongaa.
Dear Mr. Singh-----pyare singh sahab
You do not meet----aap to miltay hee naheen ho
our requirement----humko to zaroorat hai
Please do not send any furthur correspondance----ab letter vetter bhejnay kee zaroorat nahee hai.
No phone call ----phone vone kee bhee zaroorat nahee hai
shall be entertained----bahut khaatir kee jayegi.
Thanks----aapkaa bahut bahut shukriya
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A sardarji comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard Iqbal stops him and says, 'What's in the bags?' 'Sand,' answered the Sardarji.
Iqbal says, 'We'll just see about that. Get off the bike.'
Iqbal's guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the sardarji all night and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Iqbal releases the sardaji, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the sardarji's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. Iqbal asks, 'What have you got?' 'Sand,' says the Sardarji.
Iqbal does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the Sardar, and crosses the border on his bike. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.
Finally, the Sardarji doesn't show up one day and the guard, Iqbal, meets him in a 'Dhaba' in Islamabad.
'Hey, Buddy,' says Iqbal, 'I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?'
The Sardaji, sips his Lassi and says, 'Bikes'
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Urine Test

Two sardarjis were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like anything.
So the other asked, "Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, "I came here for blood test"
Second one asked, "So? Are you afraid?"
First one replied, "No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger"
Hearing this the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked other, "Why are you crying?"
The other replied, "I have come for my urine test."
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Sardar in a bar
A Sardar walks into a bar, orders three pints of "Desi Daru"and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one inturn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Sardar replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Dubai, and I'm here in Punjab. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Sardar becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Sardar looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
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A dipper and a gora are sitting beside each other on a plane.
It was a long flight to India so the gora said:"Let's play a game."
The dipper said sure. The gora said let's play I spy. The dipper said sure.
The gora started. He said I spy with my little eye something black.
The dipper said suitcase? He was right.
Then he said I spy with my little eye something that starts with the letter B.
The gora looked hard for about ten minutes. Then finally he gave up .He said what was it.
The dipper said look stupid gora "bindow"!
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A sardar went to Wellington, New Zealand. One evening he thought of going to a bar. He went and sat in chair, unaware of anything around. Soon, a man on his right said stood up and said, "Johny Walker Single?.
After few minutes another man sitting his left side stood up and said, ?Peter Scotch Single?.
Suddenly the Sardar said, ?Sukhwinder Singh Married?
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Buffalo par baithe ek Sardar ko Traffic Police ne roka aur puncha, “aapka helmet kahan hai?” Fine lagega.
Sardar replied, “baawle dhyaan se dekh neche!” “4 wheelar hai.”
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Zail Singh decided to write the MBA exam. He could understand every thing except for the LOGIC part. One day when he was reading, Rajiv came home.
Two men talking
Rajiv : How is your MBA preparation?
Zail Singh : Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.
Rajiv : Logic is very easy.
Zailsingh : Can you give me an example, so that I can understand.
Rajiv : OK. Do you have fish pot in your house?
Zail : YES.
Rajiv: Logically, there will be water in it.
Zail : YES.
Rajiv : Logically, there will be fish in it.
Zail : YES.
Rajiv : Logically, someone will be feeding the fish.
Zail : YES.
Rajiv : I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.
Zail : YES.
Rajiv : so, logically, your are married.
Zail : YES.
Rajiv : So, that means U are a heterosexual.
Zail Singh was very glad and he understood logic. Next day he sees Buta Singh and he was also preparing for MBA.
Zail : How is your MBA preparation?
Buta : Everything is fine except for the logic.
Zail : Oh, logic is easy.
Buta : Please, give me an example.
Zail : Do you have a fish pot in your house?
Buta : NO, I don’t.
Zail : Saala HOMO!!!
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